extended version

It's like the old scriptures said: "Why am I always hit on by the boys I never like?"
It's always men with the worst taste ever — get me out of their sight! I cannot bear to be perceived as whatever abomination behind their beady buzzed-out corneas.
And all the ones, well, my type, are taken already.
But I'm not disappointed. I am not even jealous as I sneak a peek at a tall lean white guy intimately making out with his girlfriend.
I am not disappointed because I'm not me. I see from above, and I don't see myself as a woman, but like an insect who only enters the peripheral of these men when I ask for a cigarette. And they won't even offer you a suicidal light. Men, am I right? Keep the cuck chair warm for me guys.
Shallow love, shallow lives.
I got intricate rituals too, you know. I want to be touched. I used to go out every night hoping. Sometimes in the form of a glance, a drunken arm around the shoulder headbanging, a toast. Sometimes even a real flirt. Or sometimes on particularly dreary nights I drape myself on club couches, doing my best Dolores in a drunken haze. Stupid, childish behavior. I know. I know. I understand.

But it's not like I'm a serial monogamist, always chasing safety. No bro, I got the emotional needs of Mordecai with the patience of Rigby. And on the inside I'm Eileen.
Is it all because of my Gemini sun, Taurus moon and Scorpio rising? My other placements are Mercury in Cancer, Venus in Leo and Mars in Aries, by the way, which as far as I can tell means that I hesitate to offend people, I want to be admired and respected, not pampered, and I start a lot of projects without much follow-through.
Does any of it explain my being such a wallflower anthropologist?

Friends are hoping I grow out of this... snowy phase. It was cute at 17. Well, some of us got Venus in our 9th house. You can't outgrow cosmic expansion.
(Lowkey a lot to say about the status-ification of having a (particularly white) boyfriend. Does having a boyfriend make you "boring" or should we all just grow up.)

To be loved, to be loved, what more could you ask for?
Everyone wants to be loved

I think it was de Beauvoir who said that sex for women is commonly experienced as a merging of the two bodies. "I'd like to see me from your point of view."
"Through love we imagine a new way of being". Tribal cultures do not say thank you, they just reciprocate. (I say thank you a LOT.)

Straight men get memed on for talking a load about "ego death", they get told it's just empathy lol.
There is a line between interdependence and enmeshment that resists pinpointing. Things of that nature are what I'm drawn to. It's hard not to eroticize.
But if we're talking enmeshment, how about babies?
Ego death has been experienced by every sentient mother. None of the MAN-made fantasies of ego death, of dying in war or crazy sex dungeons or being swallowed by your mother compares to the bizarreness of actually being a mother for real. If we're talking out-of-body, being pregnant mogs LSD. Not only are you still you, you are two. Whaaaaat the fuck?
And! You are the very product of that same process! Over and over and forever.
I also think if fathers contributed more to raising kids they would start to understand ego death.
For most of your life, you are subsumed into a system you don't really have any choice in. Working 8-6, speaking English, walking on two legs, wearing clothes, being overly reliant on services for basic skills, oh... money. Ego death sounds quite scary. Another thing people choose to dissolve in. Well, all my time and all my parts and my mind and my joints have serviced enough. Fuck the singularity. I want to go home.
Would type more but am bored.

Eileen sun, Rigby moon, Mordecai rising

I feel like there are two drives in me, the one that wants closeness and the one that wants devotion. Attention. Like, being a camgirl doesn't necessarily turn me off (logistics and mental health aside). I love attention!! I can waste a lot of time thinking I'm gonna get it.

But boys just want "it", you see. I talk to a man enough thinking something's gotta give, maybe this time, you know. But no, it's just another dopaminergic rush. You understand.

Then it grosses me out, how shameless they ask for things from me. Don't they say women receive?

But I go on entertaining the masses. I am a product too.

Something's gotta give.

Losing a whole year

Sometimes it feels like we get the world's leftovers.

The ratty clothes, the emotionally unstable people, the worst of the outcasts from their lame town.

Today I am having a dorayaki with soy milk. There is too much to do and very little driving me to do them.

Actually I am sitting here trying to enjoy my night when the person I want to speak to is not responding and the 20 minutes stretch into an hour.

I have bleached the front of my hair. Now I need to dye it blue. I really like blue and yellow.

I have been listening to Glassjaw, Third Eye Blind, Metronomy, the Shaggs and Kraftwerk. I really like either dreamy, romantic, glistening music or funky robot tunes. Kraftwerk kinda does both.

starting 2 smell like livejournal in here

it's not as simple as you make it sound - "communication".

the world could end and i wouldn't hear it over what's torturing you that day.

when your feelings take over the whole room it's hard to hear oneself think.

i realize now i was only friends with you for the emotional high, the giddiness. we bonded over barely anything.

empty """sisterhood""".

i lost myself in shallow waters. and CHOKED on a PLASTIC BOTTLE CAP.

there's no mystery. i just don't want to be bothered by you anymore.

at the funeral of my dad's dad, my mom overheard my uncles gossip about another family's funeral. "oh, that one doesn't even have a son to say the final farewell." she had to leave for a moment, as the image of him chipped and fell to the floor. who says something like that?

my body been screaming out for a change since april.

shallow lives.

you're easy to talk to, easy to laugh with.

but you're a farce of a person.

my dad, july, valen, eve, my aching heart. i carry them around in the background. i wonder who i am if i didn't. when i think of them, i am just grossed out (besides valen, who i feel a twinge of remorse). but you are not worth making the list.

you are not anything deep to write emo diary entries about. you are not a learning curve in my tumultuous adolescence. you're not a sadness i can't erase, nothing to shoot up over.

you're just the newest in a list of grown up failures.

shallow love, shallow lives.

looking at you makes me sad, like seeing a kid lash out. you're too old to act so infantile.

Slimy people Part Four: BUMS

Bro it's actually getting ridiculous how many of my friends I've watched get fucked over this year. I don't even have much to say anymore. It's just disappointing. Cheating is such a scummy thing.

I don't see any future where I stay friends with a cheater or someone who aided a cheater (esp not if the person they hurt was my friend). What people did in high school is one thing, but we're all grown now.

And another thing: why are we attracted to such LOSERS? Does love really make you blind?

In 2026, emotional pyramid schemes are around every corner, every bar you walk into, every swipe right. It's so classic. You love it up in the first month, then slowly go back to being a chud loser dumbass hoe and start texting some random white guy on Discord. DISCORD!!!!

Getting cheated on and finding out through DISCORD DMS. Ho-ly shit that it happened more than once.ho-ly shit to my girlies. i'm so sorry.

I tend to get whipped up into a frenzy updating people on gossip and end up spilling more than I probably should.only certain gossip tho.some of you hoes r not that interesting! 

here we are at the transmission party (i like your friends, they're all so arty)

oh yeah!
well do you, do you, do you want to?
well do you, do you do you want to want to go?
where i've never let you before?

man, does it feel great to live by your morals. i feel ready to party!

little victories!

i am caught up on my assignment!!!!!!! after chudding around for like 5 days going in the wrong direction. i realized how slow i actually am at getting creative things done. i like going back and messing around with things, but as my good friend alice told me "don't overthink it. it's a really overthink-y class but you shouldn't overthink it."

three friends down, two to go... i wonder what's in store for the second half of 19.

 

guilt (negative nancy)

Guilt is one of the feelings ever.

I don't find the performance of guilt particularly comforting. Maybe because in the past I've been fucked up/over by the power of guilt-tripping, so now I hate to give it any power. But when someone messes up, it's better for me to focus on owning up, fair vs. unfair, and being truthful, rather than being hurt. Guilt-tripping usually happens when someone isn't able or willing to own up to something, so they rely on pity to regain access.

Another thing I hate is desperation. I despise it. This is getting kinda negative nancy lmfao, but I actually get so cringed out when a grown ass person is clingy or overdoes something to get my attention.

I dunno, I'm a very straightforward person and I've never felt the need to hide who I am (unless I thought there was something harmful) ever since I hopped on meds. I'm also my own person and I've figured out what I want to do in life, kind of. I take care of myself quite okay and I keep my unreasonable feelings to myself, mostly. Above all, I rarely take other people's emotional outbursts personally. When someone is going through something, I don't take it on as my own problem anymore.

Still, it gets under my skin and embarrasses me when someone my age or even older feels the need to cling to their friend(s)' validation. Pretending they're more funny, cultured, or opinionated than they really are, or playing victim when they have more power than they'd like to take responsibility for. There is no limit to the larp. We all sahur.

Acting like a baby while belittling others. Desperation is such a major turn-off. I can't stand it.

Slimy people Part Three: England (pt. 2)

There's something to be said about boys who take advantage of people who coddle them (many such cases).

Don't they ever empathize with the girl? Don't they see how much hard work is done to make sure they never feel discomfort?

This summer has been a long sigh. I don't know what more to say. It's awful seeing so many friends go through bullshit.

I'm losing weight. I don't feel light most of the time. I read The Vegetarian - Han Kang. It talks about this lady that has nightmares and goes vegan and starts to have psychosis thinking she should be a plant. The men around her don't give a fuck about her, they just use her to work through their own unfortunate lives. One sees her as an object, the other sees her as a muse. Like in The Virgin Suicides. The last part is told from the perspective of her sister, and although she's sympathetic, it's too late.

I think what I'm doing (striving toward veganism) is good and healthy. But I think, just as introducing veganism can reveal people's internal biases, preaching veganism can reveal things about yourself too. High horsin about something that is widely misunderstood and seen as frivolous is jarring to me.

Vegans are so insufferable, it's true. And it doesn't get better once you make the switch. Or just take one step.

That's why I'm not a fan of labels, they separate us. Vegan-ish, vegetarian, pescatarian, flexitarian, plant-based, *imperfect*. Nobody is a gold star vegan. Be for real, that kind of thinking just creates guilt over food (never good). I don't value anyone less for sustaining themself. Your phone was made using slave labor. Data centers kill wildlife. My meds are made with gelatin. If you can't handle others making certain sacrifices, you need to grow up.

Most of the time, it's because of lack of education, resources, personal biases, and people... just don't have the time. I dream of a world where everyone knows where their food/products come from and has the resources to make the switch to a more sustainable option.

Being a snobby hipster does me no good. I'm not Catholic bro, I don't feel the need for all my choices to be justified and guiltfest when they aren't.

P.S. To be fair though, going meatless cold turkey for 2 weeks did help with the craving. Apparently the craving is caused by microbacteria in your gut. After that 2 weeks, it was gone for good. I still crave fatty stuff and sweets, but not meat. My period came late too lol, and I smell better now. If anything's gonna convince you, it's that haha.

Slimy people Part Two: England

RIP Norway.

Hello chat. I have been vegetarian for almost 2 months now, and still in the business of practicing what I preach.

These days I haven't been writing. Haven't been thinking a lot for myself. Haven't been drawing. Uhhhh, I forget where I am, what I want to do. I don't even cook most times, or eat with my family much anymore.

The past 2 months something evil wormed its way into my life and my friends' lives. She seemed innocuous at first but I felt an off-feeling of distrust, misalignment, negativity... bubbling inside me. The more I hung out around her, the more I felt anxious to adopt her way of life, and the more anxious I felt about my own judgements.

She is mean, but she says be kind. She is dishonest, but she says be sober. She has no life, but she slimes out everyone's choices under the sun (or the fluorescents of the GS25). She says she loves animals (but enjoys tormenting people). And she plays Tetris compulsively.

She says her dad is "weird", but her entire family lives a whole city away from her, if they're not back in England. She has no stories from England, besides about her ex, whom he tricked into buying her a TV (and yet "he still cheated, because that's what all men do, especially white men"). She has no goals besides having a nice submissive boytoy. She has money, but she likes making my friend pay for sex and therapy. Meanwhile, she's eyeing the closest thing to a white twink in her vicinity. And only when that one got a girl did she forget about it and settle for him.

She asked about our worst fears, nightmares, abuse, childhood injuries, listening carefully. Otherwise she doesn't believe a word we say about anything. Seeing people go through pain seems to be her only motive.

Genuinely sadistic. The only thought that comes to mind is IWTV S1E1. Absolutely obsessed with having control. "The thrill in being the end of that life..." "Don't expect all the readers to swallow that one."

Speaking of white, she's not. But she larps it constantly. She limps and cowers before any white/wasian girl, and she claims hip hop is "problematic". 

In short: The bitch has major psychological issues and enjoys torturing vulnerable people. Every abusive tactic and behavior in the book.

It came as a shock, but looking back at it, the fragments all came together. Oh, orange juice, vegan cookies and banana bread. How I would have loved to share an evening with my friends if it weren't for her.

Take care everyone. 

Slimy people

Vegetarian for one month! And currently in the business of practicing what I preach.

I told a friend of a friend that he was getting fucked over by someone who was meant to be his "significant other". Bro thought he could get away with that shit. I got ears underground. And the funniest part? Mf was flirting with one MY friends. Safe to say that relationship is over like john dover. I really hope we all wise up as a generation. My new friend is only 16 and very oblivious (autism) so poor dude got manipulated and barely noticed. And his ex? Slimy bastard. Knows exactly what he's doing. Also only 17, so he needs to wise up BIG TIME.

What an ordeal. I danced all night last night, and now I'm getting delivery. Veggie banh mi and fried rice for my homie!

It's a happy round world

I've stopped eating meat. Translation: I've started caring more. About people's feelings, how my actions affect them. Example: I didn't realize how pessimistic my rants sounded to an outsider until a sweet girl pointed it out. Apparently, a laugh is desperately required.

I've pinpointed it. @elusiveworm said it best (here): the word "community" is a lousy substitute for INDUSTRY. I observe how we treat each other where I operate and it's lousy. We fight, we lie, we let unacceptable things slide, all for... drugs? sex? money? Clout.

(Can a kid sitting in a cafe at 1pm leisurely writing truly understand the struggles of the underground working class peoplez...?)

 

The singer from The Verve sings like Bob Dylan.

 

I've been getting back into fanfic about 2000s American Bandom twinks. Computer, project university experience on these white men! I haven't posted to ao3 in ages...

 

bro

i got 3 hours of sleep last night and went through a rollercoaster of emotions, when i woke up tho, i felt GREAT!

i've been touring stateside

the way you walk, the way you understand me :3

the way you move, the way you just whisper me... ^_^

i've been going to movie showings... not as fun as i might have expected. depends on the movie, i guess. i saw it was just an accident and permanent vacation at an artsy cafe spot. pretty good movies with a couple of flaws. you know how they say your music taste solidifies at 14. your taste in movies solidifies at the worst year of high school you had. just a theory^^

i keep thinking about gái nhảy... i've talked about it before and written about it on letterboxd. what a ride.

learning not to put too much stock in certain things, certain people. just vibin solo :3 and keeping it vague haha.

why do i keep banging on about movies?? i cycled across my neighborhood 2 nights in a row, went into all the cracks and alleys and found a line of squatters in an abandoned string of houses! it was right opposite a line of fancy looking houses too. pretty cool. i didn't wanna bother any of them or their gangs of cats so i kept going. don't think i found anything else, except that my bike is broken 💔 it keeps sliming me out every time. also my boot heel fell off so i genuinely just went barefoot once i got to the elevator home. left the shitty boots downstairs. i wonder if anyone's taken them.

this just reminded me i need to get my bike fixed. one day i'm learning how to fix it myself bruh.

I LIVED BITCH

The caffeinated rush of finishing both assignments 2 hours right before the deadline. PHEW!!!!!

Check out my robot. Second time using Blender :333 I had to finish up the model and all the textures before 9pm having woken up at 10am... AND make a poster... AND write the process book... it turned out pretty well I hope, besides the process book, I REALLY didn't document shit. 

Anyway, since then, I've just been bumming at home and hanging out maxxing with my other unemployed friends. Today we are going to a film showing at a local art spot, the film is called It Was An Accident. Seemed cool, and it's free as well!

This blog just keeps coming back to movies LMAO.

Week 4 blues (for real this time)

I had a weird day today. I woke up at 12 noon (not great), one hour late to class (on purpose since I spent the afternoon finishing up the first bit of my assignment... 1 week before the due date), and I was pretty hyped to show it... but by the time I got to class, finished it up and had breakfast/lunch/dinner, everyone had already left early and I felt so deflated (as a result of the weather more than anything).

Ts kinda absurd now that I think about it. What exactly was I so afraid of?

I couldn't be a vampire. The sun heals me. I only crave to be in the dark grip of the womb of my mother when I'm doing REALLY bad. Which is not that often these days!

Abstractly I know I have a lot of work to catch up on... but seeing all my friends going through the same feelings makes me feel not so bad anymore :3

 

Don't you think it's kinda obvious?

Last night was one for the history books. Or the scrapbooks, actually. I have one word: asinine. Intellectually stimulating? No. Fun? Ehhh. Entertaining? Yes-ish. Could have done with a lot more tongue kissing.

We went home at the big 3:30 am. Today I have two tasks: bring my shoes to the fixer and open up Blender.

Any day now... 

Current fave:

Week 2 blues

Not!

I spent 5 hours cleaning my room and replacing my laptop stickers this morning (goat status), then I made lunch, did some totally cool awesome stuff, felt great about myself, and now I'm at work with my trusty laptop (I missed typing on an actual keyboard).

Dusting my room (especially my tiny windowsill which had been covered by cobwebs and linocut supplies #rip) felt like clearing out my actual lungs bro. I hate dead clutter. Wiping away each gross bit of sticky residue my laptop stickers left behind felt soooo good.

Listening to: Sade ^_^ 

First day back at skewllll

I like the way my new Creative Thinking & Innovation lecturer thinks. He's kinda hippie, kinda awesome.

I missed the library badly. Very much'd so.

TRIP!!!!!!!

I just got back from a trip with 2 of my besties to Hội An! Beautiful scenery, weather, food and vibes. A whole week long, and during Pisces season too... I gotta admit I missed a lot.

It got me thinking, being away from the city, about boys and lack thereof and analytical minds and musewanking.

I fear I am my own muse and I doth wank...

Reluctance is not self-control. Failure to be assertive is not politeness. Settling for less is not humility. Fear of vulnerability is not self-protection, it's a party pooper. ("Don't give me all that shy shit" — Maroon 5)

Damn when you say it like that it starts sounding legit.

Semester starts tomorrow ^^ Can't wait! I'm going to cut and bleach my hair tonight to have a good first impression tomorrow afternoon! ☆ 

Spent a week in a dusty library, waiting for some words to jump at me

We met by a twist of fate / French navy, my sailor mate

I wonder if the views on my blog are all bots... reveal yourselves!!!!

 

I'm such a freakin chuddd (not)

Beautiful day today! I woke up at 8 in the morning and took the bus home. Finished a movied called Gái Nhảy aka Bar Girls (2003). What a sad show! Incredibly emotional and well-acted. It's about 4 sex workers in Sài Gòn pre-1975 and the baggage that comes with that, abuse, drugs, threats of getting HIV. It's heavy stuff. The sentimental/melodramatic writing style really completes it, and the outdated language was nice to watch. I have so much respect for sex workers, they're very misunderstood.

 

Well that lasted (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

I just got laid off work today, but only bcoz they're closing for the holidays and I was never planning to stay long anyway!!! It was super fun tho, learning to make drinks (and watching I Love LA).

Me and the girlies went out tonight to have a goth rave under a bridge on a Wednesday night. It was sooo peak.

I'm not supposed to be writing this

coz i'm at work!!! 

What goes on in your mind?

Today, I drew on CSP using the lasso tool which was a riot. So clean and dynamic!!! I also watched yet another movie, Drive-Away Dolls, absolutely perfect, and then I biked to my friend's house and had rice with thịt băm plus chicken nuggets and Cheez Whiz. Overall a very nice day 💘

 

I'm talking about WORK!!!

Just kidding. It's another slow day. I tried out that barista job :333 Then I hopped over to my friend's house to clean her closet for 5 hours with a lunch break. I copped like 6 items she didn't want anymore #productive

I love free time, but having things to do is super fun!!!!!!!! And my new job is luckily not that demanding. Yay!

Slow day :P

Today I decorated my new diary/everything book with some stickers, did a bit of junk journaling and painting, then I read. True Rapunzel schedule, minus the chores LMAOOO.

I watched Nobody, the Chinese cartoon movie yesterday. Holy PEAK. I don't want this to become a movie blog, but oh my god. That movie changed my life. 2D animation forever and ever.

Tomorrow I'm trying out a new J-O-B. Hehe.

 

The magic of not knowing anybody

I went to the club last night but... it was so crowded I could barely see the drag show. 250k wasteddd. Either way the four of us went to the only sushi restaurant in the red light district open that late and we ate and chatted until last order. We should've taken the train home but we totally forgot it ran so early. The four of us, all Sex and the City. I love my girlies <333

Guitar again (+local films)

I'm learning Never Meant - American Football and I understand why they are so loved! I've been looking for something stimulating to play on guitar recently and Midwest emo hits the sweet spot!!!

I've been going to this local film showcase. I've noticed that Viet films can be big, dramatic and funny, but the ones that really truly stick with me are the mellow, dreamy more sentimental ones. I watched one called Hạc Giấy (Tsuru) which was about this little girl who really likes origami and lost her mother in a storm. It's set in 2009 and there's a scene where she's dragged along to her dad's company get together party and has to sit in the corner looking down, and later (being the only kid there) she wanders outside and just stares at the fluorescent lit snail tanks of this seemingly vacant restaurant. The adults karaoke'd Sóng Tình - MTV which is one of my millennial faves. Her bedroom is by the seafront so the view out her window (which we saw a lot) was like in a dream. I guess I could compare it to Spirited Away, the train scene. Ish, I dunno, it reminded me more of Ponyo.

I'm heading out again today to watch the remaining batch of movies ^^ so excited!!!

 

Sashimi world

I went out last night, brought my laptop with every intention of 1) finishing up my assignment and 2) catching a movie showing at Reading Cabin. Instead I 1) went thrifting with a friend, 2) went to the park, 3) lost my phone and had to go back to the park, and 4) fell asleep at 1am, only having opened my laptop to go on find my phone.

Now I am submitting the assignment one hour late. I thought it was due at 5pm! It's alright tho, I never gaf about this class much, and who's gonna be using ADOBE in 2067?

My interests as of late are actually quite shallow. Gossip, headlines, fantasies, drama. I love trash! I need trash. I can't have fun without being a nosy bitch, it's part of my natural curiosity. Is it an 18-year-old thing to love gossip? Should I get a job?

Speaking of jobs, I might get one. My friend has this cafe that's really close by, and why not? I've been unemployed since last January, after leaving the shittiest job possible.

I just finished watching Amélie. Holy peak. She's just like me for real. I love the whimsical score and the color grading. I can't tell you how much 2024 me woulda loved it, like how 2023 me woulda loved Lisa Frankenstein or The Virgin Suicides or Girl, Interrupted. I do love The Virgin Suicides but Girl, Interrupted is definitely more of a 2023 staple. I think they're all great movies, but maybe I'd already moved on in my tastes I guess? Teen angst doesn't really appeal to me much anymore. EXCEPT Skins UK and Sugar Rush, my top shows atm.

Am I growing "up" "too" fast? This sexless sterile 2020s recessioncore adolescence? I've barely grown at all. You know what I mean.

I love sashimi. The taste and the coldness and the fatty texture. I love sashimi. It's one of life's pure fucking joys. I would eat it every weekend. If I had a bike I would drive to the cheap sushi place around Q7 every other day and order the 90k set of 6 sashimi pieces, 3 salmon and 3 tuna. Now I'm getting an appetite.

Today I need to print my assignment, get my piercing checked and then I have a dinner date with the girlies! We're getting big fat juicy burgers. YUMMMM.

SO HECTIC

I stayed up and out for 16 hours to run a deadline with my bestie 2 days ago, which is why I didn't write. Right now I'm listening to some queercore punk metal etc on a ytmusic playlist. Scratch that, it's PinkPantheress now.

Honestly, YTM Revanced is so much easier to crack than Spotify... and you can upload your own versions of songs without getting taken down, and you're not giving any money to war.

I'm also watching Amélie, which I almost finished a couple months ago, but the Internet Archive was buggin on me so I gave up. I love that autistic little freak. How come the most detestable people get the best national cinema?

Design school... god I'm so glad I'm semi-done with everything.

I have no thinkpieces today... 

Diaries (+reflections on the past 3 months)

Journaling is super fun!!!! I have been journaling for about 10 years now (since I was in grade 4).

I have around 15 diaries and counting. Each of them span from 6 months to a year. I try to archive them on my computer but there's just so much to archive! My entire adolescence is on paper. Dailys, notes, drawings, manifestos, social experiments, logs...

I love you

I haven't been journaling like I used to, in school I would write page after page a day about my hyperfixations and stories. Now that the stories come from outside my head, I don't really write it down??

I used to vlog as well. Used to shove my phone at people's faces just to pass the time. That felt weird and violating once I moved, and I'm still not comfortable being on camera myself.

Control. Everybody craves it. These past few months I have been craving control over everything. But I realized something recently: I've been framing it all wrong. Instead of "Am I gonna finish this assignment or not?" I started going "What playlist are we putting on while we finish the assignment?" and it's gotten much better. It's all in the head.

Control over my voice, something still elusive to me. I learned not to speak loud by middle school. When I got a shitty supermarket job tho, that became an obstacle. People can't hear you! I never used to be that good at communicating. Cancer Mercury stand up.

Childhood is so unwhimsical. The moments you crave are limited to the nights spent staring out the window, dreaming of sneaking out, dreaming of secret doors and secret boys from secret magical schools, and the days at the functions full of strangers, wallflowering and fantasizing about each one's life, like a camera. The thrill of listening to the car radio fully dressed to go to your mom's company shindig or a family dinner, that thrill always surpassed the event itself.

But then there's the simpler stuff. Roleplaying, drawing, roughousing and being a generally unpleasant mess.

After aka the best band ever

ADHD childhood, there was a charm to it. It was like being a feral housecat. My hobbies were showing off, playing and telling stories. My dislikes were showering and brushing my teeth on my own. I hated people without shame. I was the definition of ungraceful. I loved myself with the confidence of a boy, but I didn't like the way I was at all. Private school may have softened me a bit neurologically, but it was the best choice at the time.

So yeah, I wouldn't want everyone to be more childlike again. Children are the rawest versions of people, and if Typhoon Club taught me anything, it's that refusing to grow up will fuck with you in ways you can't imagine. I want to grow and stay malleable as a child.

I didn't think this blog would get so long, phew. Well, I'm off to get some lunch now. 

I just made a new blog! (+Heated Rivalry)

Hello blogspot!!!! My layout is still fugly but I'm glad to be a part of something slow and banal again. I named my blog after a Tommy February6 song and the title after a lyric from a song by The Like. I love them both so bad.

It's 12 in the morning rn and I have tons of work to get done but here I am making a blog LOL.

I've been really into that Heated Rivalry show. It's nice, old school fangirl fun. I miss liking something like that, that wasn't freakin Voltron... It's nice to remember my fandom roots.

Shane is a painfully underdeveloped character tho. I love Svetlana and Rose, but I wish they had more screen time. Ilya has the most solid character building, I don't think anyone's disagreeing with me there. Scott and Kip, I just know they're gonna get a spinoff series. And Ilya and Sasha's lore... some exposition on that would be cool. Shane and Jennifer as well, whoever she is.

I haven't read the books and I don't really plan to. I heard they're not all that great, but Jacob Tierney did an amazing job. Putting me on t.A.T.u. in 2026 is crazy.

I traded some art merch for 2 t.A.T.u. CDs the other day. They are soooo good. My favorite song is the album opener, as usual.

That club scene tho, gah damn.