little victories!

i am caught up on my assignment!!!!!!! after chudding around for like 5 days going in the wrong direction. i realized how slow i actually am at getting creative things done. i like going back and messing around with things, but as my good friend alice told me "don't overthink it. it's a really overthink-y class but you shouldn't overthink it."

three friends down, two to go... i wonder what's in store for the second half of 19.

 

guilt (negative nancy)

Guilt is one of the feelings ever.

I don't find the performance of guilt particularly comforting. Maybe because in the past I've been fucked up/over by the power of guilt-tripping, so now I hate to give it any power. But when someone messes up, it's better for me to focus on owning up, fair vs. unfair, and being truthful, rather than being hurt. Guilt-tripping usually happens when someone isn't able or willing to own up to something, so they rely on pity to regain access.

Another thing I hate is desperation. I despise it. This is getting kinda negative nancy lmfao, but I actually get so cringed out when a grown ass person is clingy or overdoes something to get my attention.

I dunno, I'm a very straightforward person and I've never felt the need to hide who I am (unless I thought there was something harmful) ever since I hopped on meds. I'm also my own person and I've figured out what I want to do in life, kind of. I take care of myself quite okay and I keep my unreasonable feelings to myself, mostly. Above all, I rarely take other people's emotional outbursts personally. When someone is going through something, I don't take it on as my own problem anymore.

Still, it gets under my skin and embarrasses me when someone my age or even older feels the need to cling to their friend(s)' validation. Pretending they're more funny, cultured, or opinionated than they really are, or playing victim when they have more power than they'd like to take responsibility for. There is no limit to the larp. We all sahur.

Acting like a baby while belittling others. Desperation is such a major turn-off. I can't stand it.

Slimy people Part Three: England (pt. 2)

There's something to be said about boys who take advantage of people who coddle them (many such cases).

Don't they ever empathize with the girl? Don't they see how much hard work is done to make sure they never feel discomfort?

This summer has been a long sigh. I don't know what more to say. It's awful seeing so many friends go through bullshit.

I'm losing weight. I don't feel light most of the time. I read The Vegetarian - Han Kang. It talks about this lady that has nightmares and goes vegan and starts to have psychosis thinking she should be a plant. The men around her don't give a fuck about her, they just use her to work through their own unfortunate lives. One sees her as an object, the other sees her as a muse. Like in The Virgin Suicides. The last part is told from the perspective of her sister, and although she's sympathetic, it's too late.

I think what I'm doing (striving toward veganism) is good and healthy. But I think, just as introducing veganism can reveal people's internal biases, preaching veganism can reveal things about yourself too. High horsin about something that is widely misunderstood and seen as frivolous is jarring to me.

Vegans are so insufferable, it's true. And it doesn't get better once you make the switch. Or just take one step.

That's why I'm not a fan of labels, they separate us. Vegan-ish, vegetarian, pescatarian, flexitarian, plant-based, *imperfect*. Nobody is a gold star vegan. Be for real, that kind of thinking just creates guilt over food (never good). I don't value anyone less for sustaining themself. Your phone was made using slave labor. Data centers kill wildlife. My meds are made with gelatin. If you can't handle others making certain sacrifices, you need to grow up.

Most of the time, it's because of lack of education, resources, personal biases, and people... just don't have the time. I dream of a world where everyone knows where their food/products come from and has the resources to make the switch to a more sustainable option.

Being a snobby hipster does me no good. I'm not Catholic bro, I don't feel the need for all my choices to be justified and guiltfest when they aren't.

P.S. To be fair though, going meatless cold turkey for 2 weeks did help with the craving. Apparently the craving is caused by microbacteria in your gut. After that 2 weeks, it was gone for good. I still crave fatty stuff and sweets, but not meat. My period came late too lol, and I smell better now. If anything's gonna convince you, it's that haha.