extended version

It's like the old scriptures said: "Why am I always hit on by the boys I never like?"
It's always men with the worst taste ever — get me out of their sight! I cannot bear to be perceived as whatever abomination behind their beady buzzed-out corneas.
And all the ones, well, my type, are taken already.
But I'm not disappointed. I am not even jealous as I sneak a peek at a tall lean white guy intimately making out with his girlfriend.
I am not disappointed because I'm not me. I see from above, and I don't see myself as a woman, but like an insect who only enters the peripheral of these men when I ask for a cigarette. And they won't even offer you a suicidal light. Men, am I right? Keep the cuck chair warm for me guys.
Shallow love, shallow lives.
I got intricate rituals too, you know. I want to be touched. I used to go out every night hoping. Sometimes in the form of a glance, a drunken arm around the shoulder headbanging, a toast. Sometimes even a real flirt. Or sometimes on particularly dreary nights I drape myself on club couches, doing my best Dolores in a drunken haze. Stupid, childish behavior. I know. I know. I understand.

But it's not like I'm a serial monogamist, always chasing safety. No bro, I got the emotional needs of Mordecai with the patience of Rigby. And on the inside I'm Eileen.
Is it all because of my Gemini sun, Taurus moon and Scorpio rising? My other placements are Mercury in Cancer, Venus in Leo and Mars in Aries, by the way, which as far as I can tell means that I hesitate to offend people, I want to be admired and respected, not pampered, and I start a lot of projects without much follow-through.
Does any of it explain my being such a wallflower anthropologist?

Friends are hoping I grow out of this... snowy phase. It was cute at 17. Well, some of us got Venus in our 9th house. You can't outgrow cosmic expansion.
(Lowkey a lot to say about the status-ification of having a (particularly white) boyfriend. Does having a boyfriend make you "boring" or should we all just grow up.)

To be loved, to be loved, what more could you ask for?
Everyone wants to be loved

I think it was de Beauvoir who said that sex for women is commonly experienced as a merging of the two bodies. "I'd like to see me from your point of view."
"Through love we imagine a new way of being". Tribal cultures do not say thank you, they just reciprocate. (I say thank you a LOT.)

Straight men get memed on for talking a load about "ego death", they get told it's just empathy lol.
There is a line between interdependence and enmeshment that resists pinpointing. Things of that nature are what I'm drawn to. It's hard not to eroticize.
But if we're talking enmeshment, how about babies?
Ego death has been experienced by every sentient mother. None of the MAN-made fantasies of ego death, of dying in war or crazy sex dungeons or being swallowed by your mother compares to the bizarreness of actually being a mother for real. If we're talking out-of-body, being pregnant mogs LSD. Not only are you still you, you are two. Whaaaaat the fuck?
And! You are the very product of that same process! Over and over and forever.
I also think if fathers contributed more to raising kids they would start to understand ego death.
For most of your life, you are subsumed into a system you don't really have any choice in. Working 8-6, speaking English, walking on two legs, wearing clothes, being overly reliant on services for basic skills, oh... money. Ego death sounds quite scary. Another thing people choose to dissolve in. Well, all my time and all my parts and my mind and my joints have serviced enough. Fuck the singularity. I want to go home.
Would type more but am bored.

Eileen sun, Rigby moon, Mordecai rising

I feel like there are two drives in me, the one that wants closeness and the one that wants devotion. Attention. Like, being a camgirl doesn't necessarily turn me off (logistics and mental health aside). I love attention!! I can waste a lot of time thinking I'm gonna get it.

But boys just want "it", you see. I talk to a man enough thinking something's gotta give, maybe this time, you know. But no, it's just another dopaminergic rush. You understand.

Then it grosses me out, how shameless they ask for things from me. Don't they say women receive?

But I go on entertaining the masses. I am a product too.

Something's gotta give.

Losing a whole year

Sometimes it feels like we get the world's leftovers.

The ratty clothes, the emotionally unstable people, the worst of the outcasts from their lame town.

Today I am having a dorayaki with soy milk. There is too much to do and very little driving me to do them.

Actually I am sitting here trying to enjoy my night when the person I want to speak to is not responding and the 20 minutes stretch into an hour.

I have bleached the front of my hair. Now I need to dye it blue. I really like blue and yellow.

I have been listening to Glassjaw, Third Eye Blind, Metronomy, the Shaggs and Kraftwerk. I really like either dreamy, romantic, glistening music or funky robot tunes. Kraftwerk kinda does both.

starting 2 smell like livejournal in here

it's not as simple as you make it sound - "communication".

the world could end and i wouldn't hear it over what's torturing you that day.

when your feelings take over the whole room it's hard to hear oneself think.

i realize now i was only friends with you for the emotional high, the giddiness. we bonded over barely anything.

empty """sisterhood""".

i lost myself in shallow waters. and CHOKED on a PLASTIC BOTTLE CAP.

there's no mystery. i just don't want to be bothered by you anymore.

at the funeral of my dad's dad, my mom overheard my uncles gossip about another family's funeral. "oh, that one doesn't even have a son to say the final farewell." she had to leave for a moment, as the image of him chipped and fell to the floor. who says something like that?

my body been screaming out for a change since april.

shallow lives.

you're easy to talk to, easy to laugh with.

but you're a farce of a person.

my dad, july, valen, eve, my aching heart. i carry them around in the background. i wonder who i am if i didn't. when i think of them, i am just grossed out (besides valen, who i feel a twinge of remorse). but you are not worth making the list.

you are not anything deep to write emo diary entries about. you are not a learning curve in my tumultuous adolescence. you're not a sadness i can't erase, nothing to shoot up over.

you're just the newest in a list of grown up failures.

shallow love, shallow lives.

looking at you makes me sad, like seeing a kid lash out. you're too old to act so infantile.

Slimy people Part Four: BUMS

Bro it's actually getting ridiculous how many of my friends I've watched get fucked over this year. I don't even have much to say anymore. It's just disappointing. Cheating is such a scummy thing.

I don't see any future where I stay friends with a cheater or someone who aided a cheater (esp not if the person they hurt was my friend). What people did in high school is one thing, but we're all grown now.

And another thing: why are we attracted to such LOSERS? Does love really make you blind?

In 2026, emotional pyramid schemes are around every corner, every bar you walk into, every swipe right. It's so classic. You love it up in the first month, then slowly go back to being a chud loser dumbass hoe and start texting some random white guy on Discord. DISCORD!!!!

Getting cheated on and finding out through DISCORD DMS. Ho-ly shit that it happened more than once.ho-ly shit to my girlies. i'm so sorry.

I tend to get whipped up into a frenzy updating people on gossip and end up spilling more than I probably should.only certain gossip tho.some of you hoes r not that interesting!