extended version

It's like the old scriptures said: "Why am I always hit on by the boys I never like?"
It's always men with the worst taste ever — get me out of their sight! I cannot bear to be perceived as whatever abomination behind their beady buzzed-out corneas.
And all the ones, well, my type, are taken already.
But I'm not disappointed. I am not even jealous as I sneak a peek at a tall lean white guy intimately making out with his girlfriend.
I am not disappointed because I'm not me. I see from above, and I don't see myself as a woman, but like an insect who only enters the peripheral of these men when I ask for a cigarette. And they won't even offer you a suicidal light. Men, am I right? Keep the cuck chair warm for me guys.
Shallow love, shallow lives.
I got intricate rituals too, you know. I want to be touched. I used to go out every night hoping. Sometimes in the form of a glance, a drunken arm around the shoulder headbanging, a toast. Sometimes even a real flirt. Or sometimes on particularly dreary nights I drape myself on club couches, doing my best Dolores in a drunken haze. Stupid, childish behavior. I know. I know. I understand.

But it's not like I'm a serial monogamist, always chasing safety. No bro, I got the emotional needs of Mordecai with the patience of Rigby. And on the inside I'm Eileen.
Is it all because of my Gemini sun, Taurus moon and Scorpio rising? My other placements are Mercury in Cancer, Venus in Leo and Mars in Aries, by the way, which as far as I can tell means that I hesitate to offend people, I want to be admired and respected, not pampered, and I start a lot of projects without much follow-through.
Does any of it explain my being such a wallflower anthropologist?

Friends are hoping I grow out of this... snowy phase. It was cute at 17. Well, some of us got Venus in our 9th house. You can't outgrow cosmic expansion.
(Lowkey a lot to say about the status-ification of having a (particularly white) boyfriend. Does having a boyfriend make you "boring" or should we all just grow up.)

To be loved, to be loved, what more could you ask for?
Everyone wants to be loved

I think it was de Beauvoir who said that sex for women is commonly experienced as a merging of the two bodies. "I'd like to see me from your point of view."
"Through love we imagine a new way of being". Tribal cultures do not say thank you, they just reciprocate. (I say thank you a LOT.)

Straight men get memed on for talking a load about "ego death", they get told it's just empathy lol.
There is a line between interdependence and enmeshment that resists pinpointing. Things of that nature are what I'm drawn to. It's hard not to eroticize.
But if we're talking enmeshment, how about babies?
Ego death has been experienced by every sentient mother. None of the MAN-made fantasies of ego death, of dying in war or crazy sex dungeons or being swallowed by your mother compares to the bizarreness of actually being a mother for real. If we're talking out-of-body, being pregnant mogs LSD. Not only are you still you, you are two. Whaaaaat the fuck?
And! You are the very product of that same process! Over and over and forever.
I also think if fathers contributed more to raising kids they would start to understand ego death.
For most of your life, you are subsumed into a system you don't really have any choice in. Working 8-6, speaking English, walking on two legs, wearing clothes, being overly reliant on services for basic skills, oh... money. Ego death sounds quite scary. Another thing people choose to dissolve in. Well, all my time and all my parts and my mind and my joints have serviced enough. Fuck the singularity. I want to go home.
Would type more but am bored.