Diaries (+reflections on the past 3 months)

Journaling is super fun!!!! I have been journaling for about 10 years now (since I was in grade 4).

I have around 15 diaries and counting. Each of them span from 6 months to a year. I try to archive them on my computer but there's just so much to archive! My entire adolescence is on paper. Dailys, notes, drawings, manifestos, social experiments, logs...

I love you

I haven't been journaling like I used to, in school I would write page after page a day about my hyperfixations and stories. Now that the stories come from outside my head, I don't really write it down??

I used to vlog as well. Used to shove my phone at people's faces just to pass the time. That felt weird and violating once I moved, and I'm still not comfortable being on camera myself.

Control. Everybody craves it. These past few months I have been craving control over everything. But I realized something recently: I've been framing it all wrong. Instead of "Am I gonna finish this assignment or not?" I started going "What playlist are we putting on while we finish the assignment?" and it's gotten much better. It's all in the head.

Control over my voice, something still elusive to me. I learned not to speak loud by middle school. When I got a shitty supermarket job tho, that became an obstacle. People can't hear you! I never used to be that good at communicating. Cancer Mercury stand up.

Childhood is so unwhimsical. The moments you crave are limited to the nights spent staring out the window, dreaming of sneaking out, dreaming of secret doors and secret boys from secret magical schools, and the days at the functions full of strangers, wallflowering and fantasizing about each one's life, like a camera. The thrill of listening to the car radio fully dressed to go to your mom's company shindig or a family dinner, that thrill always surpassed the event itself.

But then there's the simpler stuff. Roleplaying, drawing, roughousing and being a generally unpleasant mess.

After aka the best band ever

ADHD childhood, there was a charm to it. It was like being a feral housecat. My hobbies were showing off, playing and telling stories. My dislikes were showering and brushing my teeth on my own. I hated people without shame. I was the definition of ungraceful. I loved myself with the confidence of a boy, but I didn't like the way I was at all. Private school may have softened me a bit neurologically, but it was the best choice at the time.

So yeah, I wouldn't want everyone to be more childlike again. Children are the rawest versions of people, and if Typhoon Club taught me anything, it's that refusing to grow up will fuck with you in ways you can't imagine. I want to grow and stay malleable as a child.

I didn't think this blog would get so long, phew. Well, I'm off to get some lunch now.